i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
