Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
