I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
