What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
