Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
