You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Panties = found
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
