Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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