Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
