Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
