i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
