He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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