my sisters under your porch take her home
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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