Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
