TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
we're making bets on your personal life
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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