Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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