A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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