Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
