You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
