I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
