I molested 6 butterflies tonight
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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