The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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