Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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