well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
