can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
