I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
