I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I have already put on my inside pants.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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