someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
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