i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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