Sry I called you an 8
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
