you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
