she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
