I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
