when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
