I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
she told me i tasted like america
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
