i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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