So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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