Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
