So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
