i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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