This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
