my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
ttyl tear gas
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
