I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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