he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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