No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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