I wish my penis had an off switch
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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