It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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