If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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