The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
