Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
