this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
